The Regret Paradox: Why Every Choice Comes with a Cost

Have you ever found yourself overthinking a decision because you're afraid you'll regret it later?

In this episode, Martina explores why there is no such thing as a regret-free life and how every meaningful decision comes with a trade-off. Instead of chasing certainty, she invites you to make peace with the uncertainty that comes with living a full life.

In this episode, Martina will explore:

• Why every decision comes with a trade-off
• The difference between action regrets and inaction regrets
• Why certainty is an illusion
• How to make decisions you'll be at peace with

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Transcript

The Myth Of Regret-Free Choices

Martina 0:00

Have you ever wished you could make the one decision you will never regret? And what if I told you that's um almost impossible to to do and to have? Because in today's episode we are talking about regrets and why there's no such thing as a regret-free life and why the goal is not to avoid regret altogether, but to choose the regrets you're willing to live with. Because every meaningful decision comes obviously with a trade-off, and learning how to accept that can help you move forward with more clarity and peace. So that's all coming in today's episode, and I also will fill you in on whether I have major life regrets and how I'm going about them right now in the face I am in right now. So without further ado, let's get into today's episode. Hey

Hiatus Update And Travel Context

Martina 0:58

my love, so I'm back. I took a little bit of a hiatus for June. I'm back with recording for July, and I feel like every time I go on a trip, I squeeze in a podcast episode because I am feeling the need to record. I'm feeling the passion, the motivation, the drive to do so. Don't ask me why, but I feel like today I want to talk about a topic that I had picked actually for June to publish. But now here we go. It's mid of July, and we are about to go to Seattle for 10 days. Not just for vacation. Obviously, my husband and I go for work reasons. I'll do a few trips here and there on the weekends, but this is not just a fancy trip, this is just also working. So, and I don't know if you hear that, but there is a thunder rolling all over in Miami right now. So if you hear anything in the background, I think that could be that it. That it. That could be it.

Why We Obsess Over Regret

Martina 1:54

So I a couple of days or weeks ago, not days ago, weeks ago, I came across um a small podcast episode clip in form of a reel, I think, where the guests and the host they were talking about regrets. And I thought I'll pick up this topic because I feel like I occupy myself a lot with what am I regretting? What are my biggest regrets? And this is not just to masturbate on on things that happened in the past or past decisions that might have an impact now that might be not as beneficial or that I regret that I took. So I more from the lens of what I am currently doing today or not doing today, or which decisions I am executing or not executing, that will lead to a regret later on, but I am willing to accept that because I came to the conclusion that there will never be a life of yours. There will never be a phase in your life where you are not regretting something. Could be something you did yesterday, it could be something you said today, this could be micro-regrets, but it could also be a larger scale regret, right? For example, for me, it's not so much of a regret, but I will dive into this a bit later down in the episode, further down later in the episode. I took a decision very, very early on, I think I was 16, 17, where I really formulated a statement that still holds true today, that I always wanted to become an older mom. I never could imagine in my 20s to have children, I could never really imagine in my 30s to have children. But now in my 40s, well, now I feel like it's the time. So I know this is a whole thing where I will record another episode in its fullest because this deserves not just a side remark, but a whole highlight and spotlight on this topic. So obviously, there are also bigger things that I constantly weigh and uh and and allow myself to say, well, what if I have done things differently? Let's say, what if I have become imam in my earlier 30s? How would that have changed things? To the better, to the worse. So I'm weighing more in like of those decisions, and it's not like, oh, I'm like overthinking regrets or overthinking every decision I want to do in the future just to avoid regrets. Because I noticed a lot of people, and generally as a human, we spend a lot of our time trying everything we can to avoid regrets. So it leads then to overthinking decisions, waiting for the certainty to arrive, which is an illusion because certainty in this world is just is yeah, it's it's it's an illusion. It's it's never arriving, it's never arriving to that extent that we need it to take riskier steps. And there's also the hope that we will somehow make the one choice we will never look back on, at least not negatively. And that is absolutely impossible. So if I don't know how it is for you, if you have past regrets, if you have, if you would do things differently in in your life, if you could go back a few years, how are you now navigating where in whichever phase you are, maybe you just became pregnant or you're just having a young baby or you're raising older children, you have no children, you are in the midst of a career, you're actually more or less stepping into a housewife role or whatever, wherever you are. I'm just curious to understand and to hear how you think about it. Because for me, it's I always knew there are there will be regrets, no matter how I take the decisions. It's it's the same like that. I knew with 15. I would never get it to two. I always was more the piercing girl because I knew a piercing is not something that you know, once I don't like a piercing anymore, it will mark me for for the rest of my life. I had a lot of piercing on various areas on my body, and for some parts you could see some of the traces of a piercing, but it's not visible like that big to the public. There's a tiny, tiny marks, some of the spots, no one else, except my husband will see.

Tattoos, Piercings, And Permanent Choices

Martina 6:27

So, but like for example, whenever I'm in um on my Pilates reformer and I see all these girls with, you know, and obviously when we are doing Pilates, we have like those sports bras on and shorter like shorts or long leggings, but you can see tattoos, and most of the tattoos look hideous, they are ugly because also the chit your skin is changing, right? So a tattoo that you got 20-15 years ago, sorry, but it's just a black, ugly ink on some people's skin. I'm not saying this for everyone, might not be true to you, but I always knew early on if I get a tattoo, this is not as easy to remove back then, 20 years ago or 25 years ago. Lasering away a tattoo was, I don't know, was it possible? Maybe was it affordable affordable as it is today? No, even though I know it's still very costly and very painful. So I never understood getting a tattoo because I knew if I get a tattoo with 16, 17, that a lot of my girlfriends got their first tattoos, I knew I got not gonna like it in five years, in ten years, or maybe in the next year, you know, because I've been going through trends, phases of my life where I tried a different identity, maybe in the way I dressed, and the way I thought, and with the people I hang out, the music I listened to, right? And if I imagine myself now in my 40s having a tattoo that I got 20, 30 years ago, I would I'd be, I don't think I would be very happy. I mean, 30 years ago. I'm not that old, but like let's say 20 years ago, I would not definitely be happy with that, and then I would have to invest into lasering it away, which is, as I said, costly and painful. But even then, you know, I think that is also fine because again, we do things, we take decisions, we actions on action things on, and then later on in life we are like, oh no, it was not bad, not that good choice. And it's fine, you know. I truly believe for every I wouldn't say bad decision, but for every decision that has maybe a negative impact or not such a fruitful experience or results today, there's always a fix, there's always a solution. There is no such thing as like you know, you have to live with a past regret for for good. And

Trade-Offs And The Price Of Choosing

Martina 8:54

every meaningful decision in your life, it creates a trade-off. If you do a list of plus and minus for every option of the decision you are going for, there is a trade-off. If you say yes to one path, you're automatically saying no to another, which means regret isn't a sign that you that you chose wrong, it's often the price for choosing at all. And we have sometimes to choose. There is no avoid we we can't hide behind choices and options and decisions and stepping into new things. So and the question is not how do I avoid regret? I've definitely been on this path long a time ago where I was like, how can I like avoid regrets? You know, I am I was always very age aware. I knew, oh now I'm in a specific age, or the expectation, or now it's like just the ripeness of my age here, of my maturity here to do certain things. And I might have asked myself, what would I avoid? What would I want to avoid so that I don't regret things? But today I would not ask myself such a question at all anymore. The the question I'm asking myself today, because now I know that my life is not eternal, at least not on this world in this world, and I definitely ask myself which regret I would rather live with in the future. Because again, there are trade-offs. No matter what I take as a decision today, or what I accept, what offer I accept, there is a trade-off. There is one. And yeah, so and there are people, there are psychologists, scientists that have studied regrets for decades. And

Why Inaction Hurts More Long-Term

Martina 10:44

one of the interesting findings that they found is that in the short term, people, for example, regret actions. They regret actions more, so in the short term. But over the long term, they tend to regret inaction much more. So and that is when I read that, I felt so seen because I think I did things in my 30s and maybe also 20s, obviously, that I wasn't super stoked about. I could have, you know, you know, there were there were certainly things. Now I should have bring an example, right? Yeah, oxy. For example, I what I regretted in my 20s was that I didn't take my grad school year outside of Austria. I studied two majors, and both of them I stood in Austria while some of my friends went abroad, and I was in a relationship, I was really happy, was really happily placed in Austria. So I for me going outside of the country or even outside of Europe wasn't really never the question. But then I started to work and stepped into the workforce, and then I obviously started to regret that I did not go because I noticed that going abroad is something that's definitely useful. It broads your horizon, you get better English, you experienced a world like you can never really experience elsewhere because studying abroad is different than just traveling, right? Or going for a business trip, obviously. So I in the in the short term I regretted taking actions to stay in Austria, even though I had plenty and ample of possibilities to go for a year, for two years, right? And I felt like I didn't miss out anything in Austria. I was I wasn't a happy relationship, but I'd say the friends I had back then, not with many I'm not in contact at all anymore. I mean, I enjoyed them, but you know, there was a one were one of the reasons why I stood in Austria because I was like very well integrated and a group of university friends, and I'm like, why didn't I go? So and then I started to regret the inaction for a longer term. So while I was studying, I was totally fine not going abroad, but then obviously I graduated, I was stepped into the workforce, and after some years I'm like, why did I never go? And I I I should go, and I wanted to go. I had to drive to go far, far, far away from from Austria, from Europe. And then I started to regret this decision of never going abroad, in my case. Maybe for you it was a regret the business that you never started, or a conversation, an important conversation you never had, or the relationship you never pursued, or you pursued and then you regretted it. The country you never moved to, even though it was maybe your dream country, or a dream that you kept postponing. So, long story short, at some point I studied again part-time next to my my job, and then I went abroad, and obviously could redeem this. But still, you know, what's lingering for me is why didn't I go longer? Why didn't I go for more years? Because I just went half a year to Korea. Was it the best decision, a best thing I've ever done? But there's a regret of I could have gone a full year, I could have gone sooner, longer, whatnot. So, anyway, I just felt really hurt and seen by that. What psychologists find out. So, and why is that? Why

Fear, Open Loops, And Loss Aversion

Martina 14:40

are we are in the short term regretting actions, but then over long term we re- regret inaction way more? The reason is because obviously our minds eventually make peace with certain mistakes. Sometimes we forgive our younger self. We will, at least I did a bunch, you know. I've done so many things wrong. I've wronged people, I hurt people, for example. And I forgave myself for this over time, working on that, right? Because I learned from, you know, that hurting others is not a good idea, telling the truth is a good idea, being honest, being kind is something I want to step more into. So I adapted, right? So you, I hope at least, from most of your past mistakes that you made peace with them. But the things we never did leave an open loop in your mind. You never find out who you could have become, who you could have been if you would have done certain things differently. And that's why fear can be so extremely deceptive. It convinces you that staying where you are is the safer, more comfortable option, and that you're not missing out on anything. Because right now life is good. Why should you change anything? But staying is also a decision, right? It deciding to go for the safer option or to change make big changes in your life, maybe not moving abroad or not, I don't know, stepping into this relationship or stepping out of a relationship, whatever it is, right? It is something that we will regret. Because staying or staying or not staying, that has a regret too. So if you leave a relationship, you might may hurt, regret hurting someone. If you stay, you may regret abandoning yourself. There's like there's a trade-off. Do you know what I mean? If you start a business, you may regret investing a lot of money and maybe losing that money. If you don't, you may regret never discovering what's possible for you, what's out there for you. And there is no regret-free path. I truly believe that. Maybe you have a different spin on this, but for me, I I know whatever I do today, say today, decide on today, will have a trade-off. And that also connects beautifully with research in decision making, because humans often do suffer from loss aversion. So we experiencing we experience potential loss way more intensely than equivalent gains. And that makes us then focus on what we might lose by changing, while underestimating what we might lose by never changing. And as coaches, we often ask clients different questions. I mean, you know, I did that in the past very often with people. I'm like, imagine yourself at 60-70 and then looking back, which choice which choice would be easier to make a peace with. And that is a question that shifts us from this immediate discomfort to a longer term meaning. And there's and there's also the that courage. Oh my god, I'm sorry for my English today. Courage isn't at all the absence of regret. Curiosity and saying I I take a risk is definitely not the absence of regret. It's acting in alignment with your values, despite knowing some regret may come with it.

Choosing Motherhood Timing And Making Peace

Martina 18:34

So, and you know, I'm reflecting so much on what I said earlier, deciding I become an older mom. And an older mom, I was wasn't sure what older mom means, but later in my 30s, now I'm in my 40s, not having children, and I have that possibility in my realm now that I might not become a mom overall. Maybe there is something in my biology that might prevent it. It might be very tedious to get pregnant. I don't know. I haven't done any bigger checks or tried really hard. But I'm playing with, you know, that was a past decision. I had my whole 20s to make like for trial error for experience in life at my fullest, making all the mistakes or, you know, diving into relationships, going abroad. Yeah, moving across the city in Vienna and traveling a bunch. And then in my 30s, I made a big career. I changed my whole life because I moved to the US. So I fulfilled all my dreams. And I fulfilled a lot of my dreams and a lot of things I wanted. And a lot of those things came true. Some of them didn't come true, which sometimes I'm glad. And you know, I'm also asking myself, listen, if I would have become pregnant before my the relationship with my back then boyfriend, now husband, would I have been ever able to have that relationship with my husband? Would I be even able to move to the US with a child that's maybe from somebody else? So, you know, I definitely not regret not having had children earlier because there were not the relationships and the people I wanted to have kids with. Some of my boyfriends were really great people, but they were also not people I saw as potential fathers. I and I obviously wasn't ready for being a mom. I was in the midst of discovering myself and there was so much going on. And then I had a long-distance relationship for almost six years with my husband. And then moving to the US was its own challenge. And then, you know, shifting my relationship from my husband from boyfriend, getting married and living together in a country that's foreign to me, that wasn't easy. Do you know how many changes and decisions and things I had to do that were all new and uncomfortable? I my mind space wasn't there for a child. And also the relationship to my husband changed. We we had to find our footing. I mean, being married is fucking hard, at least it was for me in the beginning, even though I knew my husband, but we never lived together. There was a lot of things that we have to to have to fodder out, that we had to, you know, find our way how to deal with each other. And now of course we are bearing the fruits of this hard labor. But imagining doing this while also raising a small child, I don't know how our people are doing this. For me, I'm like, I'm glad that this is like this. But you know, I also would have to live with the regret that if I'm not able to conceive myself, for whatever reason, might have to do with age or not, who knows. But maybe just as a possibility, I need to make peace with that regret that I haven't done this sooner, getting sooner pregnant or whatever, right? So but I'm I'm befriending this and I'm I'm cool with it because I knew what I gained from previous. Lives and there are lives, phases of my life, and there are other ways how you know I could still adopt. But I don't want to put that too much as a possibility because again, I might just become pregnant and have my own children. So that's my dream. But I'm also saying I could regret that, but again, yes. But over the long term, I'd say it brought me other things that I know a lot of women who got children early are now stepping into. I see a lot of women now starting a business, stepping into their careers, striving where I was 10 years ago. But 10 years ago they were bearing children, they were raising children. So it's it's interesting to see how it's the other way around. And I also see so many women who become pregnant way later down in life.

Values, Maturity, And The Closing Question

Martina 22:52

So back to regrets, and to wrap this up because I have a meeting upcoming, so I need to kind of wrap us up here. So again, what I said before, courage is definitely not the absence of regret. It's more of like courage is just acting in alignment with your own values, and they are changing over life over your lifetime, right? And it's really acting in your life according to your true values at the moment, despite knowing some regrets may come with it. And maturity isn't becoming someone who does not regret or reduces regrets. Maturity is more becoming someone who can choose consciously and know there are trade-offs to whatever options that you are selecting. It's also about more the maturity to understand that every life includes always missed opportunities, painful endings, imperfect decisions. And to me, the question is really simple. It's like which regret buys me or you alive that's most aligned with who you want to become. Because you will carry something either way, right? Again, no life without any regrets. So you choose with which regrets you rather live with. So again, don't ask yourself ever how to avoid this how to avoid a regret, just say which regret would you rather live with. And with that, I'll let you go. And hopefully this episode stirred something up in you, or you're reflecting upon it, maybe it you know sounded relatable, maybe it hit something in you. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I hope that was a useful episode. Thank you so much for tuning in. Can't wait to talk to you soon. And it's Friday now. If you listen to this and the weekend is close, happy weekend if you're in the midst of the week. Hang on. And yeah, until next time, I love. Talk soon. Bye.